These entries aren't dated but they do move in a general progression from the earlier to most recent, so that the changes in my faith can be more clearly seen: from earlier entries when my questions about faith weren't as serious, to the dawning realization that my faith was changing, and how I was both frightened and elated by that.

You'll notice that the entries are full of questions about every layer of my life: marriage, vocation, faith, etc. Mid-life is a time ripe for growing. We normally don't expect it because once we come into our own voice and realize we are people with the power of choices, we believe we've reached the end of human maturation. We know we'll continue to grow and learn, but what we don't expect is to undergo an intense re-creation of ourselves.

I talk about this in the journal because I was fortunate to take a course in seminary on human development. When I realized I was in the middle of a time of tremendous transition and that my life would be radically changed by it, I held onto the understanding of human development I'd learned, and that's what got me through. I understood that this journey was going someplace, and although it was terribly painful at times, every pain had a purpose. That's why I constantly analyze what I'm feeling, both towards others and about myself.

Throughout this time there were episodes when I felt as though my whole life was disintegrating. I knew this was necessary, because if it didn't fall apart, it couldn't be put back together in a new way. I also knew when things fell apart and I wanted to walk away from everything, I needed to stay and see the process through. Otherwise, I could make decisions that I'd regret forever.

Growing as a person (emotionally and intellectually) and going deeper spiritually are a naturally interwoven process. It is a dance that requires time and reflection, and above all else, learning to listen to the voice of our souls.