Part 07: Performance Issues10/14/2008 7:21:46 AM Journal Entry Maybe I want to believe perfection is possible because the learning is often so painful. Sometimes it feels as though all I do is hurt because I have so much to learn. I barely begin to recover and I’m plunged into disequilibrium again. It’s like I’m getting a crash course in life. I guess it’s hard to mature, with all my mistakes and weaknesses visible to so many people. Or is that part of true leadership? To be willing to make the mistakes to grow, to have the courage to face them, work through them, and keep on going; not more ‘perfect,’ but with added discernment. Growing toward perfection means, I think, moving away from me, moving ‘up.’ I think that feeling itself says something about the falseness of it. Growing in discernment means going deeper within; it means gaining clarity about myself, without a ruthless need to annihilate what might mistakenly be called weakness. So much of what I’ve been calling weakness in myself, is really humanness. I’m not, nor ever will be, this image of perfection. So—what do I put in its place? Why the need for any image at all? I didn’t realize this image of what I can become was such an integral part of me. It has confused me, made it impossible to separate me from my work (I am the job). It has made me focus on performance and long hours. It has kept me from working with others the way I thought I was doing. After all, if I’m going to be this all-wise and knowing person, that surely puts me a cut above others. But that’s a very lonely place to be. Also a factor, I think, is my age. At my age, I should be able to handle this differently. I should do it better. If the image I’m striving for is perfection, then I’ll always feel inadequate. Except for those times I think I’ve got my act together, and they usually occur before a fall. Journal Entry (after a dream): maybe it’s a warning of the busyness I can get into, or that others want me to get into, that keeps me focused on performance. When I can’t meet that standard, I become depressed. Journal Entry As I was thinking this morning, it suddenly hit me that I’m going into churches to serve, not as an expert to fix things. If I think about being the expert and providing answers, I focus on my mistakes and think ‘how could I possibly help others when I have made so many mistakes?’ Those mistakes have been part of my learning, and I offer myself, who I am, in service to the church. I enter the church to be with them in their journey, to help them look at things a little differently, to bring a word of hope—but never as an expert. I can say ‘look out for that’ because I’ve tripped over it myself. Journal Entry I may not be able to do well all those things that need done, but I may not need to do them well in order to help others. Perhaps my weakness will remind me how difficult it is, and to deal gently with others as they struggle with these issues. I will not have all the answers to fix things. I may be able to help point them in the right direction, and allow room for the Holy Spirit to lead. Whenever I seek to control a situation so that it gets done ‘right,’ I’m usually going to mess it up. Journal Entry My biggest problem will be to resist the impulse to tell people what to do. That’s what the expert does. People grow by understanding more about themselves and the process of life—not by being given answers. Besides, my answers could be wrong for them. Giving answers also presupposes I understand everything completely. Don’t give answers; issue an invitation to grow—but not to grow to where I am. That presupposes I’m at a higher level. An invitation to walk with me on a journey together—learning, falling down, picking one another up. I must enter each encounter expecting to learn as much as I teach. This thought of being teacher feels good—teacher of pastors, councils, whomever God calls me to. But you know, my weakness will be my credentials. Only a D.Min. (Doctor of Ministry). Not strong in history, languages, facts and figures. How do I describe what I want to teach: teach ‘being’ for heaven’s sake! Yes, I guess it is for heaven’s sake. Boy, if I’m not clearly grounded in Christ, my situation will always be precarious. Little foundation in knowing—you can’t measure ‘being’ or even demonstrate it to those who won’t understand. So if I function on need for approval, I’ll sink fast. Wow. I think God has shown me something. Journal Entry I’m feeling sort of weird again. I looked at ---’s continuing education and saw all those seminars on pastoral leadership and thought ‘what on earth can I offer that isn’t already being done, and probably a lot better?’ I guess I slipped into the ‘expert’ thing again. Then I want comfortable limits: maybe I’ll just work within the Synod; I could do that. Be a little, local expert, so to speak. Does God get this much static from everyone?
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