Part 0211/21/2008 10:29:39 AM Journal Entry Maybe what really bothers me about ----‘s reply is that she doesn’t see as I see, or understands differently. I always thought she would understand and by that I guess I meant agree. Somehow that trips me up every time. She recognizes the importance of the work for me. Why do I need to have her agree? That’s what this is all about: to always learn, to listen to others and not discount their thoughts and perceptions, but to learn from them…to see if there is another way of seeing, another way of saying, a shift in perception that will bring the picture into sharper focus. It’s a fascinating journey. The narrower I am with how I see, the more I’ll close people off from me. My strength lies in my awareness of being incomplete (not completed by constructs) so that I truly listen to others, with an attempt to understand what they say—not in order to defend myself. It makes a big difference, not only in how I feel but in how I teach. This is especially true when I feel I run into rigid thinking. If I defend, they won’t hear. But if I genuinely try to understand their thought world without trying to correct/judge, then I might be able to gently suggest there might be a larger picture. Maybe help people become more flexible. I tend to get frustrated if people state what I see as the obvious: like question my work because of something I feel is presupposed, so basic, it doesn’t need said. Or, if I feel they’ve misunderstood. But if I listen carefully, I’ll be able to discern what lies at the heart of things for people. And rather than trying to keep convincing them I’m right or that I’m saying a certain thing, I’ll listen for what they’re saying and try to figure out why I’m not being understood: how are they perceiving things; how are they hearing what I say? Doing the newsletter at ---- has certainly taught me how differently people can perceive things, and how they take a perception and run with it. If I can’t handle that without becoming defensive, I won’t be a good teacher. My purpose isn’t to defend or convince, but to help lead out from one way of seeing to another. And that’s something I can’t force. Not all loss is painful. Sometimes, to step out of a way of thinking and to lose it as a meaningful part of the self can be very freeing. In the journal entry below I talk about the human construct of time. Time is something we humans have made up in order to help us organize our lives, but it doesn’t exist in eternity. To identify and step out of this particular human construct didn’t cause me any pain, just a certain amount of disorientation. Journal Entry Something continues to trouble me. Maybe it’s a sense of waiting. Advent is a good time to do that, to wait for God’s intervention in my life. I have a sense of call unfulfilled, and yet I know that until God so shows otherwise, I’m called to stay at ----. Waiting has always been hard, but at least I’ve learned that it’s necessary and full of purpose. I almost said I’ve learned to wait patiently, and to a certain extent that’s true, but it’s hard work. It’s a continual effort to stay centered on Christ and trust, and then to receive each day as gift. I guess I have learned to wait, to see the time for what it is, and to trust God’s timing. It makes me feel kind of old—out of time—not young, but not determined by time as we know it. Not a part of that system. Interesting. Very, very interesting. More systems (constructs) than I ever dreamed existed. Wow. This is remarkable. Not being immersed in time as we know it. I would say it makes me feel somewhat disconnected, but that’s not entirely true. More a feeling of not being weighted. We mark the church seasons but these are our own devices. Time—clock time—is meaningless. How can we ever believe we can measure eternity? Clock time is restrictive, feeble, a small nothing in the face of all that is. Whether God moves to call me anew next week, next month, next year—it doesn’t matter. God isn’t contained in our time system. God’s timing is the right time. I will live forever. Yes, I will die as we all must, but then, life forever with the Lord of life—unhampered by clocks, bureaucracies, institutions—no systems. Just existence—made good and real and rich because we—all of creation—will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord. We won’t be slaves to any system—but free—free to enjoy life as God intended, loved by him and loving him, free from guilt and sin and self-centeredness. Out of time—eternity. With God who always was and who will always be. Is this what’s been troubling me? (As you can see from the above entry, writing is a way for me to process my thoughts. Often when I begin writing, I have no idea that an issue even exists that I must process. Many, many times I’m caught by surprise by what emerges as I write. However, in order to see what I see—in order to receive a new insight—I had to be thinking about it for quite some time, whether or not I was aware of it. As new issues arise out of your own experiences, even those that appear to catch you by surprise, trust me, they’ve been in your subconscious. Your soul has been gently nudging your mind to expand its limitations and receive something new.) Once I identified a new construct and saw it no longer determined me, there would always follow a period of figuring out the question: ‘who am I apart from this construct?’ Since I was usually processing more than one construct at a time, I was confused a lot. The question ‘who am I?’ became the mantra that governed my life. Journal Entry I think I’m ready to start the diet. I picked up a book called “The Carbohydrate Addicts Diet” and it describes me perfectly. In a way, it’ll be hard; in a way, easy. I don’t know. I just know I’m not content to stay the way I am. It’s odd. I was walking around Owings Mills with Tim and I finally told him that the clothing I have—that it doesn’t feel like me. Not all of it, but a lot of it. The funny thing is, I can’t point to one style and say ‘that’s me.’ I just know what I like when I see something. I really do believe I’m working through something. What, I don’t know. That time thing—that was incredible. To realize I’m not immersed in our time system—wow. But there’s more; I can feel it. Lord, help me to hear you. Help me to hear. During transitional times, I would become dissatisfied with my clothes, my hair, etc. Because I had changed inside, I needed the outside to reflect the new me. But because I didn’t exactly know yet who the new me was, I often couldn’t say what did appeal to me. I could only look at what I didn’t like and say ‘not me.’ Journal Entry Finding it hard to write, which means I’m usually working through something. Also, was going over Christmas sermons from past years and found myself sitting here, crying. Also, a good clue. It has something to do with journey and hope, and feeling constrained by something. Am I at the limits of another system I haven’t yet seen? Don’t know. I’ve not been feeling well this past week—seems like it’s just a cold, but it’s miserable. I wish I knew what was bothering me; what I’m trying to process now.
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