Part 0312/2/2008 9:58:51 AM Journal Entry I sit here trying to figure out what’s been bothering me. I’m depressed, and I think it’s aimed at me not ‘working’—me not having my act together. I don’t wonder, though, whether I will know again—I’ve experienced this enough to know I will. The feeling is different. I wonder, in the knowing, if it’ll make any difference. I’ve lost so much of me. Will there be anything left? Will it matter when I finally arrive? I will never ‘be’ pastor again. I may function in that role but it won’t be ‘me.’ Maybe I wonder how I can continue to function as pastor without it giving me my identity. Yet, no matter what I do, it won’t be me. I don’t think I’ve worked through this completely. I know there’s freedom in not being claimed by a vocation or system like the church, in recognizing systems and moving in and out of them and the roles I take up in each. I’m not bound by them or determined by them, nor do they have authority over me, nor do I derive my authority from them. Yet—I seek to place myself back into bondage, back into the construct of vocation. But it no longer works for me. I can’t do that without that voice within that says ‘this is no longer enough.’ I can’t complete myself through another person or a system. I guess I continue to fight the idea of being uncompleted. I’ll always struggle with this. It’s part of life. (You can see from this entry that I still cannot imagine feeling completed on earth if I must ‘lose’ all of the human constructs that made me who I was.) Anytime I seek to place myself under the authority of a system, I’m unhappy. I lose that sense of peace and contentment, and of knowing that no matter where I am, I’ll be happy. I’ll be okay. I’m simply called to function in a certain role within a certain system or systems and not be named or claimed by the role or the system. That is incredibly freeing. I should know by now, when something shuts me down like that, it requires reflection and prayer. I haven’t worked on anything of late or been open to God. The thoughts haven’t come as usual and I’ve blocked them by continually reading ‘garbage.’ Garbage that wouldn’t be garbage unless used that way: escape from real life and love, and all that God would do in me if only I listen. Forgive me, Lord, for being the block—the roadblock. And thank you for opening my eyes and showing me the way. None of this would be possible apart from you. Journal Entry I think of that dream—watching the tornado forming and filling in, and one possible explanation could be the different reactions I’m getting to my doctoral project. If people don’t see as I see or accept what I’ve done, it could create a lot of mental turmoil for me. I could be the tornado. If that’s the case, I must keep this in mind and be in prayer and have an openness to being taught, to learning as much from this process as I have in my encounters at ----. Journal Entry I’ve not written for awhile, and today, I’m feeling depressed. I write that a lot, and obviously, continue to work through a lot of things. Where God is concerned, I’m a very needy person. It seems I’m always asking for something. But what else does a creature do, except look to the Creator for everything? Without God’s constant guidance and support, I couldn’t live. Last week I was depressed—or maybe it was this Monday. I don’t know. And I didn’t know what was bothering me. I received an e-mail—one of those forwards to everyone I usually delete without reading, but for some reason, I read this. It’s called the Piano—author unknown. It’s about a little boy who wandered onstage and played Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. When Paderewski came out for his performance, he whispered ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ And then with an arm on either side of the boy, created a masterpiece with the child. That’s the way it is with God. When we feel there is nothing we can do or worry about how well we will do, we hear the Master whispering ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ Journal Entry The beauty and promise of the beginning verses of Isaiah 43: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.’ In the face of that, what else really matters? Journal Entry I’ve been working through something—usually why I don’t write. I don’t yet know what it is. I do know I’ve been thinking that January 1st will be here soon, and another year starts again—same old thing. And I think if I’m going to remain a parish pastor, something in me will die. I’ll endure, I’ll be as faithful as I can, but I’ll be going through the motions, longing for something more, something other. I’ve always had times like this when God is working. It’s necessary to let go of what was in order to be ready to embrace what will be. But there’s something else here too, for I struggled with anger and despair last night, and questioning why I even bother. That’s partly turned outward, and a lot turned inward. No—it will not be okay if nothing happens. I’ll be left holding a vision of what might have been…and how will I bear that? Journal Entry Reading Kegan last night, it really hit me when he talked of those in transition and feeling the need to transcend the bargain somehow. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling—if this is the way it’s going to be, I’ve got to make it work somehow. So—I know I’m working through something. It’s amazing. I know intellectually that whatever God wants is good and right, and I trust him to have my good at heart. Yet, I still must work through these things and all the feelings and thoughts that accompany them. Sometimes I get scared when I think the dream might come true, and then what will I do? Then I feel small and insignificant or at least not ready—not educated enough. I guess that’s the old thoughts about expertise/performance.
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