Part 113/27/2010 9:06:55 AM Journal Entry I have mourned enough for this life. I guess I was saying goodbye to having this particular system name me. I feel I have a tremendous message to share, to help people find this Anchor (God) through this part of the journey. To help people see God in, around, through, under…all of this, is to give people a word of hope. If I don’t want to die now, it is only because of this. I no longer feel tied to such a temporary existence, although I feel joy in the gift of this life and the people in it. If it wasn’t for the work I feel called to do, I’d leave it gladly, even on this beautiful Spring day. And that doesn’t lessen my love for Tim or my appreciation of the many blessings God has given me. It’s just that it’s all so temporary. And the really real will be forever. That’s our true home…to have all barriers removed and to know, at last, the unconditional love of God. That is the longing of every human heart. This is how I feel—a celebration of life, and I mean life in its truest sense, gift of God…lived in God, here and now as we wait for eternity. Eternity sounds cold, like something way out there…as we wait for God now—time won’t matter anyway. So—I’m free to do whatever, and so in this freedom, this freedom that has its roots in God, I look to God and say, ‘what do you want?’ I find joy in listening to God, in allowing God to show me how I’ll make my mark in eternity. It matters, it matters…I’m not earning salvation; I’m listening to the One who created me and loves me to death. In a way, I sense that God is saying I can do whatever I want…that may be the feeling of freedom. I don’t like the idea of not being guided by God and given direction though. But right now this isn’t clear to me. Maybe God is saying whatever direction I choose at this point will be good because it will all serve him. Or, is God allowing me the gift of choosing? No, I don’t think I got it yet. That’s okay. God will show me what I need to learn. Journal Entry I can see now that God wanted me to name what I wanted. As I think about this, I realize that Jesus told God what he wanted. Sometimes not to say what we want is based on fear. And I wonder if God wants us to say what we want because God wants more of a relationship with us. I had to leave behind saying what I wanted for awhile because I was saying it for the wrong reasons. I had to move beyond that so God could get me to express my wants in a closer relationship; at the same time, I’ll be content with whatever God does with that. But I feel, in a deeper way, a greater closeness to God and a relationship that allows struggle, expression, etc. in a way that’s different. I can’t fully express it yet. Just different. As I think about this more, God doesn’t want me to say ‘your will’ out of fear of messing up, out of fear of jinxing anything, for no reason except I really mean it. And especially, I’m not to pretend the outcome doesn’t matter to me. Jesus clearly named his desire, then yielded himself to God. Journal Entry I was thinking about the weight issue yesterday and how fixation with the scales can harm or help, and I wonder if I should weigh myself so often. There is always that fear of needing something to keep me controlled. That is, of course, an illusion. Control is mostly an illusion. I’m not even sure if it’s a good word. I rather like the words disciplined life rather than a controlled life. More a flavor of being a disciple, of having purpose, of movement outward to God rather than inward to self. Control will last only as long as my will; discipleship is forever and includes the ups and downs. The times of lack of discipline don’t take me outside the life of discipleship—it’s part of being human and will continue to happen. When they do, I don’t have to rail at myself to regain control; I simply make better choices because of this gift of life I’ve been given. Control is, I think, the wrong word. It requires a certain amount of energy, and one doesn’t often have that kind of energy. Control implies clamping down, or setting boundaries, and then maintaining those limits. Often in life we are simply too tired to maintain that kind of control. This is true whether we’re talking of overeating or controlling my need for another’s recognition/approval. Is it control that’s needed or a willingness to not operate by that ‘standard’ or measure? Is it control or a giving up of that need? Journal Entry Thinking back to life itself being a construct—we can’t know purely or completely. What life means or doesn’t mean, how it all fits together, is a constructed system. We cling to it because if we leave it, we fear we’ll cease to be. We look to ‘life’ to be the ultimate ground of existence, and facing our own mortality is terrible. Yet if we’re held in the mind of God, there is something (Someone) more ultimate than life. We come finally to the Source of all life. I think of constructs such as ‘time’ and ‘weight’. I live within these constructed systems and they help me function. But the less I fixate on them, or allow them to determine me, the greater freedom I’ll feel. Depending upon what system I’m talking about, it might sound terribly irresponsible to someone else, and yet it acknowledges more of a responsibility for living in the freedom God has given me, entering more fully into the dance of life, responding more completely to God. Barriers stripped away, feeling closer to Home than ever. Let me try to say this right (?). There’s an element of—not sexuality—but sensuality in this. As though I’m on a crowded dance floor and the crowd suddenly separates/thins, and my Partner/Lover and I can see each other clearly. The Lord of the Dance knew I was there all along; it is my vision that’s cleared. And here, before me, is the answer to every longing I’ve ever had. And since sensuality is a part of being human, the feelings include that as well, just no longer distorted. Indeed, sensuality is the longing to return Home to the Source of Life—to be united with the One who is life. Maybe that’s why faithfulness in marriage is so important. It is a gift/answer to the need we have—imperfect though it is; participation in a faithful, committed relationship is less of a distortion than other ways. I’m not yet saying this completely right. Still struggling with words. And certainly, not everyone would understand what I’m trying to say. I’m speaking of the Holy Passion God has for his people, and us finally recognizing (but only in part) what that is, and how much a part of us it is—an answering passion for the One who created us and is the answer to every longing in the human heart. Journal Entry It’s important to face the questions we have, no matter how hard they are—whether they’re about ourselves or about the existence of God. Questions not squarely faced become fears. Why do we think our God is not big enough to handle these things? Even the question, ‘Lord, do you exist or are you just some life force in this universe? And if you are, do we all cease to exist when the universe collapses or ceases?’ Life has a Creator, and that Creator has worked in my life to convict, teach, guide—to save. “I am the Good Shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me.’ It’s interesting. Part of this journey has been the question of whether the Bible can still speak to me. I don’t think that’s so much arrogance as a leaving behind my constructed standards, because if that’s what the Bible is, how then can it still speak to me? God is speaking in a new way through his Word. Surely this is a living Word. Again and again, I am amazed.
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