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Reflection 6 - Leaving Church

8/25/2009 7:45:51 PM

These past two weeks have been somewhat disconcerting for me, and I want to share this with you.

In the “About the Author” page, I tell you that I’m a former pastor. What I didn’t say is that ‘former’ hasn’t been all that long. Although my letter of resignation to the church was dated March 3^rd, it was not officially acted upon until the Synod Council accepted it April 26, 2008. We left the next morning on a two-week vacation. I’m writing you from one of our favorite and most peaceful vacation places. I’ve needed this time in order to reflect and hold in prayer all that I’m experiencing.

Most of my life I’ve felt like an orphan child; I had a physical family of origin but during my growing up years, I was never allowed to be part of the spirit of that tribe, at least not emotionally. When I joined the church and then went into the ministry, I found a place that gave me everything I’d always felt was missing: a place to belong, an identity, a calling, recognition, a secure future, and most importantly, a family that I could physically point to and say ‘mine.’ I felt part of these people in a way I never had with my family of origin.

These things were deeply meaningful, and to give them up wasn’t easy. I needed to believe every step I took that led me further away was the right thing to do. This wasn’t an intellectual choice or heart choice, although both were certainly involved. This was a choice for my soul.

In reaching the decision to leave, I went through a lot of turmoil and indecisiveness before I reached a place of inner peace. Even now, this peace is often elusive. Although I saw clearly that I was being led to resign, I still had to mourn the loss. The final act of having my resignation accepted made real for everyone else what I already knew to be true. It also, from a different perspective, made it real for me. Until that meeting, I could always change my mind.

Endings can be a little scary, especially when I’m not quite sure what the next ‘stage’ of my life will hold. I’ve caught glimpses, and this website is certainly part of what lies ahead. That I will be guided and led isn’t the issue; trusting, listening, and surrendering is. I have found that whenever I release my hold on those external things that give me an identity, I experience the presence of God in even deeper ways.

As more and more people continue to share their own stories, perhaps together we will discern how to be the people we know we are—loved, led and taught for the sake of ourselves and this world.