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Reflection 7 - Hidden Losses

8/25/2009 7:47:11 PM

The loss of my sister and the loss of Mickey were significant losses in my life, but there are other losses as well, ones that weren’t so visible but I felt just as deeply. I couldn’t always articulate these losses, which meant describing them to others was difficult, if not impossible. I couldn’t identify why I was mourning; I only knew I felt bereft, as though something precious was being pulled from my hands and heart.

In transition, we lose what was once meaningful. We don’t necessarily lose the thing itself (like a job or relationship), but we do lose how it was meaningful to us. Building on what I’ve already talked about (workaholism), before this particular mid-life transition, our work or a cause/passion may be everything to us. It tells us who we are and gives us a sense of place in the world. ‘My work isn’t what I do, it’s who I am.’ We so closely identify with our work or passion, we can’t imagine ourselves without it. If you’re unsure of what this may be for you, think of something you care deeply about and you get angry and defensive about when others just don’t get it.

In order to alter that—in order to grow—we must begin to let go of making our work meaningful in that way. For some time, our work or passion must become meaningless. As this begins to happen we’ll feel diminished, smaller, insignificant, as though we ourselves are shrinking.

As we work through this process—and it will take time—there’ll come a time when our work or passion is something we do, something we’re involved in, but no longer who we are. We may stay in it and still find purpose, but it will have to become meaningful in a way that is different from before. It may still be part of our deeper purpose in life but it will not have a piece of our soul. We could lose it and still feel complete and whole.

This kind of loss—the letting go of how things are meaningful to us—occurs at every level of our lives: parenting, significant other, work, home, community, nation, denomination, class, and most certainly, faith. Whatever image we hold of ourselves as being people who are competent, have integrity, are strongly principled, etc., will also undergo change. Our image of who God is and how God works in our lives will be deeply affected. Everything that is meaningful will be peeled away one painful layer at a time, which is why transition is so lengthy (years) and why we emerge feeling totally transformed.

The losses we experience in transition are as real and painful as the loss of a loved one. They’re just more hidden, and others won’t understand why we’ve been plunged into depression or sadness. We may not understand it ourselves.

Being aware of this process doesn’t lessen the intensity of it, but it may help you to persevere. If you know the journey has purpose, that’s it going someplace and is worth doing, you can hold onto that truth even in times when it seems all truth has been stripped away.