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Reflection 9: The Role of Parenting

8/24/2009 2:47:23 PM

A recent e-mail asked how motherhood had shaped my life. I’d like to answer this through the lens of mid-life transition.

As with every other role in life, parenting was an unconscious force until I identified it as one of the roles through which I saw myself. In other words, it was a role that gave me a sense of identity and told me, in part, what my place was in the world. I carried an image of what it meant to be a good parent and I accepted this image as universal truth. When I lived up to it, I felt wonderful. When I failed this image, I plunged into self-anger and depression. Up one minute, down the next, depending upon how I thoughts things went with the kids.

I didn’t need my kids for a sense of completion; I didn’t receive my identity through them personally (I didn’t live my life through theirs). That way of relating had come earlier in my life, before I saw myself as a separate individual; I needed my kid’s approval to feel good about myself as a parent.

Entering mid-life was different. Then it was the role of parent that was important, that I tried so hard to fulfill because it influenced how I felt about myself. At that point, I didn’t need my children’s approval, but I did need recognition that I was doing a good job of parenting, that I was living up to that unconscious image. This kind of recognition rarely comes from the children, so I needed it from myself, my husband and other parents in the same situation.

Before mid-life transition, performance is a strong drive in every area of life, including parenting. Parenting is one role among many that we try to live up to, and then wonder why we often feel exhausted and defeated and pulled in several directions at once. The more unconscious we are about the images we hold for each of our roles, the more driven we will be by those images.

Becoming aware is the start of letting go, which is what mid-life transition is all about. It loosens the hold all of these roles (relational, vocational, etc.) have on us and we become freer to move in and out of them as we choose. They are no longer part of who we are. It doesn’t mean our work or the people we relate to are less important. It simply means that the need to meet role expectations is no longer in the way. We’re therefore freer to enjoy our work or feel closer to the people we love.