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Reflection 11: Self Doubt

8/25/2009 7:50:48 PM

One of the things I’ve been learning about myself is how much self-doubt paralyzes me, making it difficult to make decisions or lead a truly happy life. By self-doubt I mean second-guessing myself: having a truth hit home but then analyzing it to death or being so afraid of making mistakes that I end up confused and unsure of my direction. The original leading that was once so clear becomes lost in a maze of choices.

One of our tasks in life is to learn to listen to inner leadings, and one of the challenges I find is discerning whether it is a true inner leading or an impulse that’s anxiety driven. I get anxious about being anxious and making mistakes. But isn’t that why we’re here on earth, to make mistakes and learn from them? Aren’t they often our greatest teachers? Isn’t it through mistakes that we become more certain of our direction, realizing that one path isn’t as true to who we are as another might be?

I’ve been struggling to find my ‘place’ in this world, to understand completely how the next stage of my life will unfold. Right now, I’m working as a hospice chaplain and I find that work good and satisfying. I meet people whose faith journeys are extremely diverse. I enter into their story at a time when they are emotionally and spiritually vulnerable, offering them presence without any expectations that they must think or believe a certain way. To walk this journey with them to physical death is an awesome experience.

But I find that in spite of this meaningful work, I keep asking myself, ‘Is this it? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing at this point? Am I living my highest potential?” I want to know and I want to know now. Yet like a tapestry that is tightly rolled up, I can’t see the whole picture of my life at any one time. It will be unrolled little by little as I live it, make choices and ponder each segment, and—more than anything—learn to walk in trust.

Maybe that’s the bottom line. Do I trust the Divine love that flows through this Universe? Do I trust that all of what I experience is necessary for my soul, that each event and person I encounter are potential teachers and therefore a blessing? Do I truly believe that? Or do I brace myself for negative outcomes and a turn of bad luck?

Perhaps this is all part of mid-life reflection, for what I most want is to be using my gifts in service to this world. I want my life to count for something. I want to know, when it’s all over, that I lived as fully as possible, learning what I came here to learn and serving this world as much as I was able. And there are probably a limitless number of ways to do this. The self-doubt enters when I believe there is only one perfect answer and I must ‘get’ it or fail.

This sounds a trifle neurotic, I know. But I believe that many people experience the same internal processes to greater or lesser degrees. This is the part of the journey where ‘not knowing’ is our closest companion, and something tells us even as we wish this companion out of our lives, there is much we can learn from it.

To fully, consciously, live each moment, each day, although we have no idea what is being created for us—that’s faith. It’s faith that there’s a larger story and we’re a vital part of it. It’s recognition, heart and soul, that Divine love and compassion is the greatest creative force in existence, and it is interwoven with every thread of our story.