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Reflection 13: When Change Brings Uncertainty

12/1/2009 7:04:28 PM

I haven’t entered anything on my website for several months. I’ve been at a time of transition and the journey is far from over.

Tim and I felt led to put our house on the market. We believe our lives are changing but although we catch glimpses of what may be next, we’re not entirely certain. We only know divine forces are in motion to bring something into being. In such times, our task is to wait in expectation for what the next part of the story holds.

Our house sold sooner than we expected, leaving us no time to thoughtfully pursue our new ‘permanent’ home. We had to move temporarily into a rental, no small feat with four dogs. A friend, however, came through and offered us space for however long we need it.

We hadn’t planned to move twice but this interim time is turning out to be a powerful teacher. So many things have come into my awareness: things I thought I had processed or issues I hadn’t yet identified.

One issue is that of having a home. I didn’t realize this has been such a part of my identity: homeowner. I’d known I wasn’t tied to one particular home, but I was totally unaware the concept of ‘homeowner’ made up part of who I was. Suddenly I felt bereft, without roots, groundless—all sure signs of a transitional time of growing.

Coinciding with this was the loss of the past. Again, I had never identified ‘the past’ as a construct that was part of who I was. I recognized how it affected me, I saw it as part of my continuing story—to be learned from but not lived in, but I never realized how much having life history gave me a sense of who I am as a person. In addition to moving out of the area I had lived in for so long, two of our dogs are having reoccurring medical issues. Buster is having seizures that need increasing levels of medication to control and Casey’s cancer has returned. These two dogs were part of our family when Chance was still alive. Losing them will be like losing a significant part of what was: a connection to the past.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m in the middle of it which is the hardest time to try to explain something. I can look back and see my life as it was—and from this standpoint it all seemed so much simpler—but I can’t yet look ahead and say what my life will be.

But one thing is clear: we need the experiences of life—both those we call negative and those we call positive—as our teachers. Without them, we wouldn’t be forced to dig deeper, to reflect on our life’s meaning and purpose and direction.

By the way—a person from Australia e-mailed me and I told her I would be taking my website off the internet. After prayer and reflection, I realized I was to keep on going, just change the focus a little. So, friend from Australia, if you read this, please get back in touch.